People Keep Asking Me Why

People keep asking me why, but I don’t have a solid answer for them. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to tell them. I don’t know if I even want to tell anyone. But I can’t decide whether I want them to know or not, because I myself don’t know the answer to what it is they are asking me. Not only are these people asking me more than once, but these people aren’t just people. They are people that know me. They are people that care about me. They are people that I talk to all the time. They are people I love and cherish and trust. They are people I never want to lose from my life. They are people that I think about at least once every day, whether it is because I’m talking with them through the Internet, text messages, or phone calls, or because I saw someone walking by that reminded me of them or something happens and I think of them. But it happens every day. So then why can’t I come up with an answer to that question? The answer to that “Why?” is always “I don’t know.” I wish I knew. I really wish I did. But maybe I want to know too badly. Maybe it’s because I don’t understand how people like that can even exist and function in this world. Or maybe it’s because I don’t understand how I became friends with someone like that.

I think now it’s more of an obligation. Now I do things because I feel like I should. I “care” because I feel like I’m supposed to. Is it okay for that to be the case? I mean I see them every day, and I’m ignored and talked down to and snapped at. What did I do to them except go out of my way to “care”? No one deserves a condescending tone, especially when you live with them. Is that it? Is that the answer? The answer to the dreadful question, “Why?” I don’t know. And so the cycle begins again. The worst is asking myself the same question that everyone else asks. If I can’t even answer to myself, how can I answer to all these people that really care about me want what’s best for me?

I recently sat down and had lunch with a friend of mine that I hadn’t seen for over a month. I was excited to sit down and talk with him because I missed him, as I do with most of my friends, and it was wonderful to get fit into his busy schedule. I wanted to know about him of course; I talk too much for my own good and I would rather not have my friends ask me about me first. But, alas, he asked me too. Just like everyone else. He wanted to know how things were going. Are they any better? Or is it just the same? “I think you’re worrying about it too much,” he said. “It isn’t that complicated. She’s going to be like that and you can’t do anything about it. All you an do is decide how it makes you feel and how you act in the situation.” I hate it when he’s right. He’s always right. He went on to tell me that even though things may come off as condescending, maybe it’s a defense mechanism of some sort. I thought about this for a second, and I wondered if maybe he had a point. And he does have a very valid point. Am I just being too harsh? Should I let things take their course? Should I really try hard to make it seem like I don’t have a problem with how I’m treated because I’m a stronger person than she’ll ever be, or than she’ll ever hope to be? Is asking this question condescending too? Sometimes I don’t know what it is that makes me feel this way…

It gets harder to think that there are problems when more often than not it’s fun and laughter or mutual ignorance because we’re both busy or because we’re both doing something else at the time. But I still feel inside me that ignoring me isn’t the way to go about any problems you have with this living situation, if in fact that is the case here. And then I find myself thinking I care about what’s going on, and I care about what she thinks, and that something is going on here that is out of my control. This has to stop. Your hypocritical, critical, condescending, judgmental self needs to realize that life doesn’t work the way you think it does; relationships don’t work the way you think they do. So you have a boyfriend, a terrible one at that. Am I supposed to be jealous? I’m glad that you took a terrible guy off the market. And don’t forget to look up the words “charming” and “douche-bag” before you get them confused.

Now I feel like I don’t actually know what I’m trying to say. What I’m trying to do is establish a thought process that will lead to me realize what I’m doing here and why I’m letting it continue to next year. Is it because it will be easier to avoid the tension that she creates because I won’t be around her 24/7? Is it because I’ll be even more so on my own? Is it because I know that she will still be friendless until I introduce her to some of my friends? What am I supposed to do with myself if these are the things I constantly find myself thinking about? You judge everyone harshly for absolutely no reason. So what if they are annoying? Can’t you ignore it instead? Is that so hard for you? Why waste your time caring about that kind of stuff? Is that why you have bad grades? And why are you so opposed to asking for help? Is the fact that you have suddenly realized that I’m your competition and, oh no, I’m significantly ahead of you when it comes to getting into Vet school what is keeping you from actually asking for help? Why can’t you just step down from your not very high horse and do whatever it takes to get ahead?

I can’t believe I’m doing this, but we have gone over several times in Biology the idea that genes can be selfish. In this sense, selfish means that they do whatever it takes to make sure they are replicated and passed on regardless of the cell or organism’s best interest. This isn’t selected against when it comes to natural selection and evolution because the selfish genes are successful, and natural selection acts on things that add to the success of the organism. Taking this concept and applying it to the world, people compete with each other to get the better spot or to get ahead so that they will come out on top and look better than the people around them. It’s a fact of life, both at the social and molecular levels so it can’t be neglected. How is it that you don’t motivate yourself to succeed at whatever cost? In more things than just school? They say that in college, or in school in general, you can party and have a social life, sleep, or get good grades and do your homework and study. Of these three things you can only pick two. I may procrastinate and take a lot of naps or take a lot of breaks and whatnot, but I have fun, I get pretty good grades and I have time to study, and I make sure to get enough sleep whether that means waking up early to do homework instead of sleeping late or taking a long nap. This is the mentality that is lacking. This may have seemed pointless, but the overall idea is that I have a will to succeed and she doesn’t it.

That’s it! There is a lack of motivation, a lack of self-esteem, a lack of confidence and power within. I couldn’t imagine myself without these characteristics. I’ve been told that I have integrity, and that is what is getting me through a lot of the things I put myself through every day and leads me to make all the decisions I make. This lack of integrity in her makes me cringe. Not because everyone has, because that isn’t true or it varies in degree, but because it is absent. Maybe that is why I seem to “care” so much. I guess I feel bad…but I still think all I can say to those that ask me, simply and lovingly, “Why Tina, why deal with it? Why worry about it? Why CARE?” is “I don’t know. I guess that’s just who I am.” Interestingly enough, it is also like me to get rid of people that bring nothing to the relationship, but I have yet to decide whether my trying is going to waste or if she is even worth my time anymore.